Title: Everything I Know, I Learned From the Gunmen
Author: J.D. Rush
E-Mail: yanksfan462@...
Category: Filk/Parody/Humor
Rating: G
Summary: You know all those books, "Everything I Learned, Blah, Blah, Blah?"
Yeah, this is one of them.
Disclaimers: You've got to be kidding me, right? 1013. 'Nuff said.
Spoilers: Entire Lone Gunmen series and any X-Files episode the Gunmen
appeared in. Oh, and a quick one for the XFmovie, 'Fight the Future'.


Everything I Know,
I Learned From the Gunmen
By: J.D. Rush

1. No matter how paranoid you are, you're not paranoid enough.
2. Tell as many people as you can reach--that's your weapon.
3. Investigative Journalism . . . it's not just a job, it's an adventure.
4. Beware of any woman who wears Ferrari Red lipstick.
5. If Agent Mulder is involved, you're just asking for trouble.
6. Never buy your computers at Radio Shack.
7. Don't let Gigantor change a flat tire, even if he offers.
8. Smart is sexy. Trust me on this.
9. Mud is a sumbitch to get off of black leather.
10. When all else fails, try the Internet.
11. Hot red-heads take pity on you if you show up drunk on their doorstep at
2:00 in the morning--they'll even invite you in for coffee.
12. If you're going to do a stakeout in Washington State in the middle of
winter, wear something warmer than 23 T-shirts.
13. And while you're at it, never let Jimmy pick his code name. Isn't that
right, Snowflake?
14. Never let your press-pass expire.
15. Terrorists from strange Eastern Block countries that no one has ever
heard of can't be trusted.
16. If you ever meet up with Susanne Modeski, run. The woman is trouble with
a capital T. You can thank me in the morning.
17. Even if you're a 32 year-old virgin, you can still be cool.
18. Remember the shredding policy--documents, si. Coffee filters, no.
19. And never try to shred a cinder block.
20. Always carry a pair of wire-cutters in your combat boot. You never know
when you'll have to break out of an F.B.I. safe house.
21. If you meet a girl who claims to be the sister of Byers's old college
roommate, think twice before asking her on a date.
22. Dead women do not need prescriptions.
23. Cheesesteaks + repeated viewings of the Zapruder film = perfect Saturday
night date.
24. Never, ever let Byers play poker when $3,000 is on the line.
25. You can't trust Alex Krycek, or chimps named Simon.
26. Red-velvet Hugh Hefner bathrobes never go outta style.
27. Certain diminutive red-haired F.B.I. agents look exceptionally
scrumptious when getting their ya-ya's out.
28. If you have to fake an illness, it's best to avoid 'explosive gas'.
29. Naked women in ice cubes was a great subliminal advertising idea.
30. Only a man secure in his masculinity would ever wear a 'feeding bra'.
31. Never carry $20 bills through metal detectors.
32. And beware of those Bibles, too.
33. Get those phone calls on tape-- just to be on the safe side.
34. Do whatever it takes to get the story . . . even if it means sticking
your arm up a cow's backside.
35. It's Tiger, not Tigger.
36. If you need someone whacked on the knee with a lead pipe, Frohike's your
man.
37. Midget wrestling can be hazardous to your health.
38. For the record, Langly makes one helluva sexy programmed assassin. *drool*
39. If you need a covert identity, "Lee Harvey Oswald" is a great name to use
for anagrams.
40. Breaking into the Hoover Building is a great way to get free Internet
service.
41. Maybe we should all be more concerned about having our images bounced off
satellites.
42. If you're an annoying minor one-off character that gets squished by a
bus, you can be resurrected as said character's even more obnoxious twin brother
on the spinoff series.
43. Perhaps it's a good idea not to let Jimmy do the filing.
44. And don't ask him to clean your keyboard, either.
45. The Maryland DMV is a snap to hack.
46. Holding out on your night-vision goggles until you get Agent Scully's
phone number is NOT blackmail--just very creative negotiating.
47. Some guys are graceful on ice skates . . . and some guys are Ringo
Langly.
48. You can't drown yourself by sticking your head in a bucket of melting
ice.
49. If you need to smuggle a miniature transmitter into prison, a bag of
Cheetos comes in handy.
50. And if you need to smuggle medical records out of a hospital, two words:
Frohike's pants.
51. Byers is Jimmy's bitch--and don't you forget it!
52. When Scully's inhibitions are suppressed, she's quite the party gal.
53. Tire irons--never leave home without one.
54. International smugglers don't drink imported beer.
55. Sometimes the only word that describes your association with Fox Mulder
is: weirdness.
56. If you're going to go around bragging that you were on the bus with Kesey
in '64, it's best to have photographic evidence to back you up.
57. When making pot stickers, be careful not to add too much ginger.
58. Don't ever let Jimmy 'puke' you.
59. Fedoras make the man.
60. You can never have too many locks on your front door.
61. No man kisses like that.
62. Fingerless gloves + combat boots + black leather + ponytail + beard
stubble = babe magnet.
63. If you ever discover a ghost ship in the middle of the Bermuda Triangle,
don't give the coordinates to Mulder.
64. Getting your ass kicked by tasty redheaded F.B.I. agents isn't
necessarily a bad thing.
65. The world would suck if we all had to drive sea-foam green Studebaker
Larks.
66. If you plug a CD in your disk drive and it plays "Twilight Time", your
life just got a whole lot more complicated.
67. Kevlar at bedtime? All I can say is, there's safe sex. And then there's
REALLY safe sex.
68. Sometimes Mulder just wants Byers to strip because he needs John's
clothes--and for no other reason.
69. Don't ever call Frohike "Sneezy".
70. And don't ever call tease Langly about his hair.
71. And don't bring up Las Vegas around Byers--too many bad memories.
72. Just because your coffins are buried in Arlington doesn't mean you're
lying in them.
73. Don't call A.D. Skinner 'Walt'. Unless you're Fox Mulder, and you're
serving the big guy breakfast in bed. (that's all I can say with a 'G' rating)
74. If you ever kidnap Morris Fletcher for information, use the huge alien
anal probe on him. He deserves it.
75. Here's a money saving tip--bill your cell phone to the offices of "Martha
Stewart Living".
76. In the right hands, a pencil can be a finely calibrated piece of
investigative equipment.
77. No matter how weird your ideas are, Mulder's will always be weirder.
78. If you're in the mood for a bit of 'slap and tickle', be careful where
you park the van.
79. Repeat after me: A hacker never turns himself in.
80. No matter what Mr. X says, JFK was NOT killed by a lone gunman. (Oh,
wait--I already knew that.)
81. Just remember--Bessie is safe, as long as you keep it away from your
testicles.
82. When picking out sexy, poaching outfits, don't forget the black
turtlenecks. *whoar*
83. Black Sharpies come in handy when you need a quick, temporary tattoo
shaped like Germany.
84. Even if you go on a drunken bender, remember to recycle.
85. Fly on the wall of the Oval Office? Been there. Done that.
86. If you're going to do an internet video conference in the middle of the
night, make sure you're wearing pants. (I'm talking to you, Langly.)
87. Today's audio-visual club officer may grow up to become tomorrow's
computer hacker extraordinaire.
88. Langly's kung-fu is the best. There shall be no argument about this.
89. Remember--it's more ethical to siphon one gallon of gas out of ten cars
than ten gallons out of one car.
90. Blind Football Leagues are the sport of the future.
91. Lederhosen really make the man.
92. Just because you can create an intelligent animal and train it to become
an assassin, you can't be assured of its politics.
93. Growing up is a bitch.
94. Somewhere in Tibet, there's a sheepherder that would simply LOVE to
browse through Frohike's closet.
95. If you're gaming with the Gunmen, remember--Lord Manhammer does NOT take
checks from the Bank of Middle Earth.
96. There's a connection between conspiracy theories and masturbation. No,
hold on a sec. That wasn't the Gunmen. I learned that from *Mulder*.
97. Perhaps it's a good idea if udder cream is only used on cows. I'll leave
it at that.
98. El Lobo's retirement was a disappointment to females--and panty
manufacturers--around the world.
99. What kind of terrorists works out of the Pentagon? Government sanctioned
ones, my friends.
100. And finally. . .Frohike, Langly, Skinner, and sometimes Mulder.
Yessiree. Girls by the masses love boys who wear glasses.

THE END

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